27

Hey! I was not going to write anything down for my birthday.
But today, when I sat down to write for my next post (about travelling), I just didn’t feel like doing it. So I just wrote what I felt… Why not share it?
It is just thought vomit. I didn’t think about it… I didn’t edit it. Please don’t judge it too hard xD

Do I feel lonely if I am not feeling productive?
Why do I have this feeling that I am alone? Why am I feeling sad and somewhat down?
Is it because I feel like the day was not as productive as it could be? And I have conscious that my time on earth will eventually come to an end?

I don’t think so. It is not something so deep. I don’t feel that urgency to fulfil my purpose before my time is done.
I only feel alone. And it is not something someone else can change in me. Am I looking for a connection, I guess? Naaahh, my thoughts went that way today, but maybe it is a consequence of my spiritual state and not the cause.

Yes, I don’t know a lot of people on the same journey I am on… They look a bit more forward than other people I know. I see everyone in couples and think if this is what I should look for… Is there a way to also escape that? Not that I want to escape it. It is my inability to be with someone that brings me to this path of looking for a different answer.

• And what do I really mean by Inability? The truth is, I am not really looking for someone. It is a big time investment and one I am not sure if I want to do. Because I would have to take that time out of something else. Knowing someone is not easy. I don’t know how people can put priority on meeting a lot of people…
• I lie, I did it also when moving to Leuven! I got satisfied with just a few friends that I could hang out with, and nothing else. I still think it is the correct decision, but who knows?
• I am good with this middle term where I follow my own life and see what happens. – So many conversations. Conflicting thoughts and hope. Then back to despair when I am lost in uncertainty… This is what being a human is like?
  • [[What is being a human?]]
  • Maybe I should reflect on it. I don’t know the answer to it…

Fkku there are so many things I see in the world that can be improved. From messages online that I could send, to helping out my community in Portugal, is what I am doing really correct?
I feel so useless and powerless in the world. Even tho usually I am always a positive person, I guess if I lose track of my vision, then it is easy to spiral into hopelessness…

My latte is very good tho! Everyone in this coffee shop is super nice to me! I am blessed all around!

I am very impulsive, I want things to happen right now. I am not looking forward to waiting for 15 years and look back at what I accomplished. I tell people to not be like this, but then my instincts compel me to do the same.

In the last 2 weeks I have had so many interesting things bombarded at me. I really want to absorb all that knowledge… but it is not possible, is it? I can not even go through 1/10th and there are already 5 other things to look at… never stops. So many people, so many stimuli. I have always been decent at shutting down most of the surrounding things. The problem is Now I feel like all of it is legit people talking about legit topics I want to know about.

And I also have my OWN opinion god dammit! I need time to reflect on it. I need time to find counter arguments to it. How am I supposed to make it mine otherwise? It is just a random idea I heard and decided to vomit if I don’t really understand it …FKKKKe It is frustrating. Why am I frustrated?

 – Is it just my Inability to prioritize? Or is it my inability to stick with what I define for myself?

As soon as my future goals get blurry, as soon as I am disturbed by random emotions that pop up for a few days. As soon as I let inertia take the best of me, I lose track of where I am and where I want to go…

It is so easy to drift. It is so difficult to move where I want to… But I feel so much better when I am able to. And I am usually able to! Tomorrow I will be able to! Today I will be able to. I know that Just writing this will help me align with myself again.

I don’t like hard stuff. It would be great if just doing easy stuff would be enough to get me where I want.

This is such a selfish and retarded point of view hahaha Everyone is working hard in their own lives to get further than where they started, and I want things to just happen even though I know the meaning is mostly in the path I travel.

Commitment is hard… As soon as you commit, you commit, and that is it. And that is what you need to really gain expertise and make a difference, and have a meaningful relation and make a real difference – it can be scientifically, it can be starting a company, starting charity work, etc… I really admire people that can just immerse themselves into something and follow it until they feel satisfied. I don’t think I have ever done that. The commitment I know I want is the one I can’t have hahaha

 – Maybe I am being too harsh here. I did commit myself to a few things in the past, like events I organized, a few exams, travelling? Even the blog… But I was never 100% all in into something for 5 years. And I really wonder what that would be like…

 – I am always spread out. I want to write, read and learn about psychology, but I also want to research and invest in companies in the stock market, I want to have a side job and contribute to my financial future, I want to play games, view anime/series, go out with my friends… It is impossible to do everything. Or it is possible. I do it… But It is very hard to find a balance, and it is super easy to break it. When I am there, I feel goood xD

I don’t know. I have this feeling that I am always playing safe as well. On a lot of levels. I can go further. I stop myself from doing so. And it is not even fear, it’s just comfort… Being spoiled with a comfortable life makes it very hard for me to leave it. Sure, I can “leave my comfort zone”… But that is not LEAVE MY COMFORT ZONE. Different levels hahaha

Financial stability is something that stops me from doing so, I think… at least a bit. Not as much as comfort. xD I want to be rich tho. I want that freedom to do what I want. To take that risk knowing I can handle it. If I grow my safety net, that also means I can take higher jumps and continue being safe. It means I can help people more, I can create a company… I can go 1 year to a monastery… I don’t know. I can jump higher!
I want to jump higher… I am now 27, but for sure the best is yet to come! I just have to keep on walking forward.
Now I know what it feels like when I lose my goal, I am getting better at steering my own boat. Let’s believe in gradual growth. I will keep my body in shape to ensure my vessel does not fail when I need it. And I believe life has meaning! I love all life forms, especially Humans. I wish them the best from the bottom of my heart. I will treat them to the best of my ability. And I believe in myself. My life has meaning. My interactions have a purpose. My job will bring the world forward. My life will inspire the future….

I will jump higher.