Courage to speak my mind?

“Today I will tell her!” – if the opportunity presents itself obviously – it is Wednesday, and everything is planned out. We will be together, alone on the bus for about 10 min (enough time to go from her bus stop to the school) and I am asking her out! – what can go wrong??

Yes, I know I failed this plan for 5 weeks in a row now, but the past is the past! Today will be the day, I can feel it! I practised the speech in my head, and I thought about every possible reaction she might have and how to act in that situation. It will be a smooth transition in the conversation and I can already envision us going together to the beach 😉 – The dam dopamine release is a funny thing -.-‘ It doesn’t release when we achieve a goal, it is all about having the motivation to pursue it, and the anticipation of something good coming… I am already thinking about how we will behave when we live together, and I didn’t even ask her out! Even tho I have been trying for 4 months now!!

Well, trying is a strong word… I have been imagining it for 4 months, that is better… The thought is constantly in my head, wanting to come out. I feel it in my throat every time we are alone, but I am doing an excellent job repressing my own feelings and pushing them back down! I know if I say it, it will be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but nahhh… might as well continue with the platonic love xD

Needless to say, I failed to ask her out on that day. I don’t remember why anymore, but the gods must be against me… there is always something in the way… Why is the moment never perfect? Just like I imagine it? Everything would be so much better like that -.-‘

It is a struggle to make the first move… But if I don’t, who will? I know how I would react! – Just like Ronaldo after he scores a goal (SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII) -, but I am not sure if that will be her reaction. I am afraid. Everything is good as it is. We laugh together, sit together, study together, play together… why would I risk all of it? I can just keep the thoughts in my head, enjoy my time with her to the fullest, and then deal with the frustration and question myself on why I don’t have the courage to speak up – what can go wrong?

If she says no, I risk losing all of it!! Better play it safe and be ready for when the right moment comes! Until then, I will treat her a bit better than everybody else, come up with things to talk about and say funny jokes to make her smile 🙂 That beautiful smile <3

The perfect moment never came. I never got the courage to tell her, no matter the situation.
Maybe I saw that other human being as unreachable – it happens to a lot of people, I guess… Especially if my self-esteem is not all there… – I don’t remember anymore. Eventually, we stopped playing as much, and we were together less, the last summer we went together to the beach passed by without me realizing it wouldn’t happen again.
She went out with other boys – clearly more courageous than me – aaaand I got left wondering. Feeling like I wasted the chance of my life to find my princess (lol)… Thinking what would have happened if I had the courage to tell her the truth?

This happened when I was about half the age I am now. Funny how this same story kept repeating with different women… I made some progress, and sooner or later I ended up mustering all my courage to confess to someone – it flopped obviously hahaha

• I walked a looong way since that time to be able to understand and talk about my feeling openly and with much more ease now, but the truth is, it is still freaking hard -.-‘

And it is not only with women, nooooo. It is all types of discussions and social interactions thought out life. You know the discussions where you have something to say, but you are aware of the consequences? Maybe your boss is doing something that goes against your values, but you are afraid of how they might react if you go against it… After all, that money might be needed for you to keep food on the table for your family.

Maybe you are trying to impress someone during networking, so you don’t say certain things to them that you are thinking about… oooor maybe you just lied, and the truth is pounding in your head, waiting to come out – after all, lying is almost the same as “playing god“, since we are trying to deliberately alter reality. – How “mighty” of us…

Independently of the reason, this phenomenon happens mostly when we have a strong feeling towards something, want to express it and didn’t get the opportunity to – or, had the opportunity, but rationally suppressed it.

• Even “not having” the opportunity to express it is sometimes a rational excuse that we have… We want the perfect set-up before we say it, and what we are really doing is setting unrealistic conditions to say something. — obviously, if I am stuck in the middle of the Amazon forest with no means of communication, no matter how much I want to tell my mommy I love her, I will not be able to (assuming she is in Portugal).

After quite a bit of thought, I think a conjugation of three factors is in play:

1. How strongly I feel about the subject – I want to tell someone I love her; I want to tell my boss I do not agree with the decision, and I will not follow it; I want to shut up this person with whose opinion I do not agree (in fact I despise), etc
2. How uncertain my actions are – I am not sure what the consequences of my actions are. Maybe she will say she loves me too, or ghost me; maybe my boss will respect me for standing up for myself or maybe he will fire my ass.
3. How much do I have to lose – If I don’t really care about the job and know I can get a new one with the snap of my fingers then it’s whatever. But if I depend on it for my survivability, that is a different story… Likewise, if I tell a girl I just met “hey, I like you, do you want to go out”, and she says no, it is what it is – sure, it sucks to be rejected, but it is not that bad xD – on the other hand, if she is your friend, and you really like her company, that makes it harder… because you risk loosing that by making things more awkward between the two of you.

What every human being does – more or less, depending on their personality – is to try to minimize the risk of their actions – and this makes sense to me… – The key is in finding the sweet spot between when to wait, and when to act! And again, this place will be different from person to person, we can handle different types/amounts of uncertainty and other negative feelings. I am under the impression that we “hide” more than what we should, more than what is healthy for us. And it goes in two directions, we are not as courageous as we could be to speak up, and the surrounding environment doesn’t know how to absorb that message, since this also takes emotional maturity.

If I give my honest feedback to someone, and they do not accept it – at work, with friends, in relationships… this happens everywhere – or maybe they don’t know how to accept it, then it can be counterproductive, as the person I want to convey the message to can become defensive and not open up to me anymore.

On the same note, in a society more and more polarized, where most individuals have their own bubble, it becomes increasingly harder to say what we really think and navigate social interactions without feeling judged – don’t get me wrong, we all judge each other in everything we do. But if it is within the other humans’ parameters, then you don’t really feel judged, because it is in the realm of “expected stuff”, if it comes out of that range, then we will probably feel a bit (or a lot) judged by the other person xD.

Lately, I have been pondering quite a bit about this topic. What will happen if I am courageous enough to say what I want to say? Speak my truth and be ready to face the consequences. How would I navigate this polarized environment I experience online and offline if I had to be always honest? What should I do to have a constructive conversation with someone that has a point of view completely different from mine?

And since I like challenges, this is what I will do: until the end of the year, I will be brutally honest about everything with everyone! – This means that I will not lie, no matter what. I will obviously not be an asshole, but I will also not say something that goes against my values or against what I am feeling.
 – Sometimes I am not honest because I am not sure what would happen… Or because I don’t want to hurt the other person, well, now I will face those consequences if that happens ^^ It will be an adventure!

Every time I do not follow this rule, I will pay 10 € to a charity of my choice, so it will be a win-win situation xD

Thank you for reading, I will try to write a bit more in English, instead of always posting in Portuguese!

Feel free to join the challenge, change the rules to fit your goals and all that stuff!

I hope you like this post, and lets’ see how it goes 😉